What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:36
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What do you do when you are struggling to fall asleep?
I never cut or harmed myself..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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I was very sick at this time too.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Has anyone shared his wife with a friend? How was it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My life is so biszare .
I have no regrets .
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i do to all so called friends.?
What is the best way to get over your ex?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Comes on , in middle age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I waited trembling.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
When she asked me how she looked .
This is soul school!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Would this be the day?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It was going to be , some day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I couldn’t, believe it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
Put me off passion for life!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
I don,t even have a pension.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So, i spoilt her more .
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was 9 years of age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.