What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 12:06
It was going to be , some day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I have no regrets .
Is it okay for a wife who comes home from a date to tell her husband what she did?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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My family never makes their pension either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Have you ever been a victim of gaslighting? What happened?
Comes on , in middle age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What did i know ?
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why does Boko Haram attack its own Muslims?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What is the reason for writing X^2 as XX instead of X*X?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Can men enjoy receiving anal sex?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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But it wasn’t much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What was your wildest experience as a lesbian?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He knew the spot.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Who then, do I blame.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was 9 years of age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I never cut or harmed myself..
So whats the point in blame.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Put me off passion for life!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im still living with it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i lived it daily.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She loved him until the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ive learnt so much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We all went to grammer schools
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were not on the streets..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So, i spoilt her more .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I don,t even have a pension.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I will be 64.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
All the time i was locked up.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She found it foreign!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.